I have been spying on a security guard in the fast food area of one of the supermarkets here in Cagayan de Oro for more than a year now. He isn't very good looking, but I find him very attractive. At first I just admired how his uniform brings out his butt, I can't help but look whenever he passes by. Then slowly, I started admiring his smile... His face, innocent-looking, he looks kind and gentle...
I always look at him, no! let me rephrase that, I always stare at him every chance I get; but since I am not out, whenever he is about to look my way, I turn away. I believe he never caught me... But last week, I don't know what came into my mind, I was in the fastfood waiting for a friend, when there he was, sitting right across me, reading something... I stared and decided that I would not turn away even if he lsaw me... And so I did, he looked up, and saw me staring, to my surprise he stared back, my heart began beating faster, I was nervous. Our eyes were locked as if communicating something for almost a minute, then my friend arrived. And I had to behave.
I went back the following day, but he wasn't there. I returned the day after, and he was there, but whenever he passed by me, he would always turn away. Or maybe I am just being silly...
Earlier today, I went to the supermarket. I looked at his usual spot, he wasn't there, but when I turned around, there he was. Walking in my direction, looking at me... Our eyes locked again for a few seconds, then he went back to his area... He passed by my table twice, once he talked to a friend and leaned on his friend's table exposing his butt, giving me a much clearer view of something that makes my heart go gaga...
When he, returned to his area again, I was in thought. Is he aware of what is happening, of what he is doing. Or is it just me? Is it just a wishful thinking? But there is nothing I can or will do anyway. But still, I transferred to a table near him. But there are so many people, I can't stare very long, it would be too obvious, i'd look at him every once in a while and sometimes, I think I see him looking at me too.
I received a text message, and I had to go. When I looked up, he wasn't there anymore, I stood to leave, a few steps before reaching a corner, he passed by, looked at me and smiled... and that's all there is for today... I left with this feeling inside me, like i'm a child with a crush on someone. With some butterflies in my stomach...
Labels: crush, security guard
One of the very few gay materials I have at home is my Provoq Voyeur VCD, and here I share a part of my favorite episode, College Dude featuring CHester Nolledo.
Labels: chester nolledo, provoq
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Labels: blog
Some gay people might say that this is silly, crazy even. Maybe some people might even think that I am just confused or still am confused, because staying in the closet is already robbing me of the opportunities to be happy and maybe even find some guy or gay guy who would love me for life. But at the moment, this is my stand, I don't think I am confused, I know who I am and I am just keeping my options open for now. I am not ready to come out of the closet, because it might close the door to the possibility of having relationship with women, and for some other reasons that I might divulge in some future post.
Labels: accepting gayhood, personal experience
Well, let me check my family tree…
Father side:
I don’t think my dad is gay, he is a bit like me (medyo mahinhin, maasikaso) but, I don’t think he is. He had an uncle who was gay though. Then none of my uncles is gay. And of my 16 cousins, 8 of whom belongs to the male species, only one’s sexuality is in question, that makes two in our generation. But then there is L, my female cousin who became a lesbo. So, make that 3.
Mother side:
My mom sometimes jokes that maybe she is a tomboy, because she has crushes on actresses and not on actors. But I don’t think so. She has 3 old maid aunts, 2 on her father side, and one on her mother side. My grandfather’s sisters didn’t seem to be lesbo’s, I guess their standards were just too high. My grandmother’s sister on the other hand, seems to be questionable. My mom’s brother was single for so long, that they sometimes think that he might be gay, but he go married last year. Then, none of my grown up cousins seem to be questionable, I don’t know about the younger ones, I’ve never met them.
My family tree indicates that there might be a genetic factor, on my father side, it somehow skipped a generation. On my mother side, people might have stayed single due to high standards, no one is really obvious, but we can never tell. Even I, have high standards, that have to be met before I marry a woman. You didn’t read wrong, and I hadn’t made a typo, one reason I am still in the closet is the fact that I am still considering getting married, if I can find someone good enough to marry. But with this ‘gay gene’, maybe I could contribute to the propagation of the gay population, at least if my children turns out to be gay, they’ll have an understanding father, who might even be able to help them find their true sexuality.
Labels: accepting gayhood, personal experience
I guess every gay guy feels it already during the early childhood. I did, but with the constant warnings from he people around most gays tend to deny it and try to be straight. About 4 or 5, I knew I was already DIFFERENT, I hated contact sports, that’s why I never learned to play basketball. I’d rather play with my female cousins than the male ones. I was also a mama’s boy, I liked watching her cook, sew, and do things around the house. I also tried to learn these things, I could do light cooking at an early age, I’d look in my mom’s ‘retaso’ and find some cloth that could be made into dresses for my cousin’s Barbie.
But even with these all, I denied what was inside me and told myself I was straight, this is because of the negative things I hear about being gay, yayas saying it’s bad to be gay, uncles threatening to beat me up if they find out that I am gay, etc. etc. etc., and I also saw that gays were usually laughed at and were rarely taken seriously.
That is why I decided to fight it, it wasn’t that hard, I wasn’t really obvious, I was a bit ‘mahinhin’, though. But during that time, I was attracted to girls, I didn’t even looked at boys. Then when I was about 6 years old, I got to watch straight porn; I believe I wasn’t able to sleep, I went down and my parents were watching something I couldn’t understand, but every now and then they would make me cover my eyes. Curious of what I wasn’t supposed to see, I peeked. But even before I did, the moaning has already aroused me. Then I saw something I still couldn’t understand. But somehow, I ended up reenacting what I saw with a female cousin who was younger than me, let’s call her L.
L and I would do it whenever we had a chance, then some time later, another cousin became a part of our little secret. Let’s call this cousin K, a few months older than me, that’s why I sometimes call him Kuya, yes, K is a boy. I guess L did it with him when I wasn’t around since they both attended morning classes and I was enrolled in the afternoon.
The three of us would hang around, and it would not take us long to do things young kids shouldn’t be doing. It was better that there were three of us, that way one could be the lookout. It went on for months, then vacation came, L went to the province with an aunt.
Then one time, while I was hanging out with K, we were alone in their house, we started talking about it, telling each other how we missed L. Both confessing that what we loved most was getting a bj from her. Then he said he’d really love to have his dick sucked, that he’d do anything just to feel someone’s mouth around it. I said, “me too.” He suggested we do it ourselves. And we did. Believe it or not, I didn’t mind what I had in my mouth, I was enjoying the wet feeling in my genital, I was enjoying being sucked. It happened a few times, then L came back, but before the vacation was over, my family transferred to Mindanao.When I got to Mindanao, I was still attracted to girls and I was as mahinhin as ever. But the kids here were different, specially the boys; they would run the few meters that separated their their houses from the sea, and bathe naked. I wondered why their dicks looked different, they were already circumcised at 7, even younger. Then I found myself wondering if a circumcised dick would feel differently in the mouth. I guess this is where, or should I say when, my attraction to boys started.
I started having a crush on some of them. But the bathing naked stopped when pubic hair started to grow, which for some was around grade 4 and 5. But every now and then the boys would find a reason to compare their dicks, I usually leave though, not wanting to show mine because I was still uncircumcised, and yet I am still able to glance at some of them, giving me something to fantasize about when I got home. I graduated elementary without incident, I was an honor student and was expected to behave properly. And so, I did.
By this time, I knew I was gay. But I thought of it as a Gay Tendency, something I've heard of on tv. It was something to convince myself that I wasn’t really gay. I am going through a phase, because even if I only fantasize about boys, when I am in front pretty girls, I still get attracted, even aroused; sometimes…
The succeeding events in high school and college will follow in a different post…
By the way, I thought that it might interest the readers to know... L seems to be a Lesbian, acts like one, talks like one, last time I saw her about 8 years ago, she had a crush on a male celebrity, I don't know if she still gets attracted to men now. K is already married with a kid, but he had a gay lover once. And me, I am still single, very much available, but is still hiding in the closet.
Thanks for reading.
Labels: accepting gayhood, personal experience
Even if I am still in the closet. I have for some time, been suspected of being gay by people around me. My last girl friend (Yes, I did have a girl friend, who I fell in love with, and cared for so much) would even say that her friends thought I was gay, and that she was hopeless for falling in love with me. But even so, no one dares ask me, or talks about those suspicions in front of me because I am to be respected. I am not one to joke around with, I am the serious type, the intellectual type (at least that’s what they think, I know otherwise.) I know that people suspect me but I couldn’t care less. I only care about what my close friends think. I am also a bit feminine, in a way. I love cooking and I take good care of my friends, those that I value. And at the moment I am taking up HRM.
I have a friend I met in college. I’ll call him Scorpio. We are so much alike, we like the same music, he’s also considered an intellectual, quite serious, moody like me and his gender has also been questioned by some people I know. He is still a virgin at 23, and first girl friend was when he was 22, I guess that was also the time he got his first kiss. I could say that this is because of his high standards.
Some people says he looks like Frank of the powerboys, or maybe Tom Welling of Smallville, from a certain angle he could look like Dingdong Dantes. And yes, I had a crush on him. I befriended him on purpose, but after getting to know him, I valued the friendship and thinking that anything homo- might destroy the friendship, I got over the tiny crush.
There was a reunion. I was a bit surprised when I got there, he seemed to be avoiding me. I know him well enough to see that he was not in the mood. So I kept my distance. The party went on and not once, did he talk to me. He was asleep when I left, I texted him, apologizing for leaving without waking him, and asking if he was avoiding me, and why.
He replied, that some of the guys had been teasing him to me. Saying that I am gay, and that since I had an LQ with my partner (I was not talking with one of my closest friends, but that’s another story) I was going after him. He said that the people just wouldn’t leave him alone and that he didn’t like being teased to me. He says he knows I am not gay, but it bothers him to be teased to another guy. That maybe to avoid such comments and stories, it would be better if we avoided anything that might make people conclude that it is true.
Let me explain that the people in our batch are quite used to being called gays, bitches and whatever. When there are school presentations, the guys would wear skimpy outfits and dance like queers just for fun. And during the time this happened, other guys were being teased with one another. He was being teased to me because, we were kinda close, and when drunk and joking around, a couple of my friends and I would comment on how good-looking he is, how luscious his lips look when he is drunk, ‘na nakakabakla siya’.
The issue didn’t reach me during the reunion though, as I said. I am not one to be joked around with. I do the joking around, and when people see that I am in a good enough mood then they might find enough courage to tease me a bit. But oftentimes, no one would dare.
It took him a few months before he started texting again. But then, he got a job and became busy with work. So the texting has again ceased.
I think his reaction is a sign of homophobia, and I think he is one of those who suspects my sexual preference. I asked for a copy of his graduation picture, at first he asked why. I explained that I collect pictures of friends and that I got pictures of almost everyone. He said he’ll give me a copy but he never did. Maybe he believes that I am gay and he thinks his image would be stained when linked to a gay guy.
Or maybe, just maybe… He is doubting himself, that anything, even the smallest talk of something that might lead to questioning his sexual preference scares him. I remember once, he asked as if deep in thought, “why there are gay people? what makes them gay?” I recall asking these questions myself once. But them again, so did a straight friend.
I am not judging him or anything, it’s just that a reaction like that from a simple tease indicates something deeper. I care for him, and I wish him happiness. And I hope that he finds a solution to whatever caused that reaction. So that he may live in peace, without being so afraid of being associated with anything gay.
Labels: homophobia, Scorpio, stories
As I have stated in my second post. I do not have internet access at home, I can only update my blog when I go to an internet café. That is why I type my posts on my pc at home and post them when I get the chance.
Here is another story that involves homophobia and a straight person.
Last holy Wednesday, I accompanied my mother to a church in Bukidnon, since we were bringing a vehicle, she invited some of her cousins along, my aunt a mormon, decided to join us with five of her kids. The church was crowded, my cousins began asking why there were so many people. We told them that it was a Mother of Perpetual Help Church, people come to make petitions, and this particular church is well-known for granting petitions, that most people in region X and other nearby areas, who are about to take board exams come here to pray and ask for blessings.
Most of my cousins sat silently, while the mass went on. The only guy about 20 y/o went out. After the gospel, I went out because I was so hot. My cousin approached me. Then asked me again, why there were so many people, I gave him the same answer. Then he said, “yung mga bakla, pumupunta dito, hinihingi siguro nilang maging babae.” After a while, he said, “siguro may bakla na, humiling dito na maging babae, after one year nagkatotoo nga, ‘yun pala nagpaopera.” Then everytime he sees a gay guy, he would say, “ayun pa isa hihiling maging babae.”
I could only surmise as to why my cousin comments that way. One is because of his faith, he is not a Catholic. And maybe it seems silly for him that people from far laces would go to a church because it is believed to grant petitions. But I think there is also a hint of homophobia, because a normal person would not openly say things like he said unless he hates gays to a certain level.
This also shows how narrow minded straight people can be of gays, somehow maybe because of the effem types, (I’m not blaming anyone, I am merely stating an observation) straight people think all gay guys want to become women.
MGG once had a post on HOMOPHOBIA Among Gay People. A number of readers commented and one of them thought that discreet gays are the ones who hate the effem types, as it gives a negative notion on being gay. While another one labels discreet gays as self-hating gays who are deep in denial.
Being “inside the closet” myself I would have to disagree, not all discreet gays are self-hating, and not all of us hate the effem types. I happen to have some effem friends. I believe even the effem type can have homophobia, some of them may even hate the discreet gays, labeling them as dishonest people.
I agree with another reader who said that it begins with self-acceptance. Once you accept yourself and learn to respect who you are then, you can begin to respect others, I am not only talking about the discreet gays who might dislike the effem types because of ‘inggit’ that they can freely be themselves, or those who think the effem types are giving the world the wrong idea that all gays are loud, and well… not so well mannered.
I am also talking about the effem types who whisper behind the discreet gays, calling him dishonest, in denial, etc. etc.
I think it depends each person, let people be. If they want to be out, then let them. If they want to be discreet, don’t judge them. They may have reasons, valid reasons or issues that the effems didn’t have to go through. Respect one another, in order to get the respect of the larger society.
Here are some stories that involves homophobia.
I think I was in second year college, when a friend told the barkada that a high school classmate (let’s call him Taurus) tried to do something weird with him. He was invited for an overnight inuman session, but after the others went to sleep, Taurus played porn. A few minutes later, Taurus started jerking off, and after a while, transferred near him and asked him to masturbate with him, even offering to give him a hand job and when he refused, Taurus reached for his zipper and would insist on giving our friend a hand job or even more. My friend walked out, and went to the bedroom where the others were and he pretended to sleep.
Taurus has always been suspected of being gay since high school, but he had girl friends to somehow prove otherwise. Upon hearing my friend’s story other people started talking. Another friend, (a straight one, let’s call him Cancer) shared how he woke up in the middle of the night, with Taurus’ hand in his briefs giving him a hand job not too long ago. Then Gemini, an effem friend, talked of how they did things, commenting that Gemini was supposed to be the gay guy, but Taurus insisted on playing with his tool, instead of him playing on Taurus’.
This is one story where an effem somehow showed dislike for the discreet gay, maybe because he was disappointed that he was used as a man, but even so, I think he didn’t have to announce it to the whole world. Taurus has since kept his distance from our high school batch, never joined any of our reunions, and somehow thinks that our batch still talks about him, saying nasty things about him.
Queer as Folk follows the lives of five gay men in Pittsburgh. With Debbie, Michael’s proud mother, Lindsay and Melanie the lesbian couple, who had a son ‘fathered’ by Brian, and later in the series, a daughter fathered by Michael.
Let me introduce, Emmet and Ted.
And here is Michael, my favorite character.
Justin, is a 17 y/o gay guy who had the misfortune of falling in love with Brian.
Meet Brian.
And here, is Justin’s first time, on the first episode of the first season.
Queer as Folk, is not only entertaining it is informative, aside from depicting a drama full of sex, drugs, adventure, friendship and love, it also explores gay political and health issues. IN five seasons, the characters go through so many things, meet different people, lose some loved ones and search for happiness.
I’ve laughed and cried with the characters, and I’ve learned some new things, I can even relate on some issues they went through. All in all, QUEER as FOLK is worth every centavo, not that I spent much, I only bought a pirated copy.
Labels: queer as folk
My mom is over-protective. Maybe it is because she lost my brother due to leukemia when he was four. I had a curfew during college. And even now we (that is my older brother and me) are not allowed to drink or smoke. But I do, every now and then. But I’ve never tried drugs, and I have never been to a gay bar (for fear of being exposed).
For these reasons, I don’t have much access to gay materials, except for the very few items that I have found courage to buy. I have 2 M2M porn vcds and 1 dvd, viva hotmen and provoq vcds, I got last year’s cosmo 69 bachelors, and the Valentino issue with Chester Nolledo on the cover. That’s about it, and then there are the files I got from the internet; pictures from MGG and pictures and videos from miong21. I also have a copy of gay comedy movies, MANAY PO, and Another Gay Movie and my Queer as Folk dvds. Oh, I am 24 y/o by the way, and I don’t have an internet connection at home.
Due to the limited resources, I guess it will be seldom that I’d be posting pictures and videos of hunks. I am no writer, and I am not very confident with my English; but I am hoping that ‘blogging’ will help me by serving as an outlet of the queer thoughts that I have, I might even post in Tagalog every now and then. If only to avoid ‘he have a boyfriend’ moments.
I’d be posting things that come to mind, but the first few posts would be more of expressing my thoughts on some topics that manilagayguy has posted. I hope he doesn’t mind… as I won't mind being call a second rate trying hard copy cat!
Labels: message
I am a reader of manilagayguy.com, "MGG". It is because of mgg that I finally found the courage to buy the complete 5 seasons of QUEER as FOLK. I've been considering buying it for some time, but I wasn't sure if it was worth it. I even thought it was comedy, something like Will and Grace. When I finally bought it, I finished all 83 episodes in less than 10 days...
Queer as Folk has shown me the diversity of gay people. It was quite liberating to watch something that tackles a world that the society I grew up in has frowned upon for so long. And for a while, I felt like coming out... Because I realized there is nothing wrong with being gay, as Rustom Padilla said, "hindi ako masamang tao. Being gay does not define a person's worth, just like straight people, gay people have their own personalities, some gay people are even 'better' than straight ones.
I believe this, with all my heart, but in the society we live in, it is still not easy to come out and announce to the world that "I'm gay!" As there are a lot of people who still cannot understand why we exist, there are still people who believe that it is a disorder of some sort, that homosexuality is something bad, some people even think that it is a sin.
That is why, queer as I am. I am still in the closet, not having the courage to come out and show the world the real me. For now, I am content in knowing myself and accepting me for the person that I am.