I guess every gay guy feels it already during the early childhood. I did, but with the constant warnings from he people around most gays tend to deny it and try to be straight. About 4 or 5, I knew I was already DIFFERENT, I hated contact sports, that’s why I never learned to play basketball. I’d rather play with my female cousins than the male ones. I was also a mama’s boy, I liked watching her cook, sew, and do things around the house. I also tried to learn these things, I could do light cooking at an early age, I’d look in my mom’s ‘retaso’ and find some cloth that could be made into dresses for my cousin’s Barbie.

But even with these all, I denied what was inside me and told myself I was straight, this is because of the negative things I hear about being gay, yayas saying it’s bad to be gay, uncles threatening to beat me up if they find out that I am gay, etc. etc. etc., and I also saw that gays were usually laughed at and were rarely taken seriously.

That is why I decided to fight it, it wasn’t that hard, I wasn’t really obvious, I was a bit ‘mahinhin’, though. But during that time, I was attracted to girls, I didn’t even looked at boys. Then when I was about 6 years old, I got to watch straight porn; I believe I wasn’t able to sleep, I went down and my parents were watching something I couldn’t understand, but every now and then they would make me cover my eyes. Curious of what I wasn’t supposed to see, I peeked. But even before I did, the moaning has already aroused me. Then I saw something I still couldn’t understand. But somehow, I ended up reenacting what I saw with a female cousin who was younger than me, let’s call her L.
L and I would do it whenever we had a chance, then some time later, another cousin became a part of our little secret. Let’s call this cousin K, a few months older than me, that’s why I sometimes call him Kuya, yes, K is a boy. I guess L did it with him when I wasn’t around since they both attended morning classes and I was enrolled in the afternoon.

The three of us would hang around, and it would not take us long to do things young kids shouldn’t be doing. It was better that there were three of us, that way one could be the lookout. It went on for months, then vacation came, L went to the province with an aunt.

Then one time, while I was hanging out with K, we were alone in their house, we started talking about it, telling each other how we missed L. Both confessing that what we loved most was getting a bj from her. Then he said he’d really love to have his dick sucked, that he’d do anything just to feel someone’s mouth around it. I said, “me too.” He suggested we do it ourselves. And we did. Believe it or not, I didn’t mind what I had in my mouth, I was enjoying the wet feeling in my genital, I was enjoying being sucked. It happened a few times, then L came back, but before the vacation was over, my family transferred to Mindanao.When I got to Mindanao, I was still attracted to girls and I was as mahinhin as ever. But the kids here were different, specially the boys; they would run the few meters that separated their their houses from the sea, and bathe naked. I wondered why their dicks looked different, they were already circumcised at 7, even younger. Then I found myself wondering if a circumcised dick would feel differently in the mouth. I guess this is where, or should I say when, my attraction to boys started.

I started having a crush on some of them. But the bathing naked stopped when pubic hair started to grow, which for some was around grade 4 and 5. But every now and then the boys would find a reason to compare their dicks, I usually leave though, not wanting to show mine because I was still uncircumcised, and yet I am still able to glance at some of them, giving me something to fantasize about when I got home. I graduated elementary without incident, I was an honor student and was expected to behave properly. And so, I did.

By this time, I knew I was gay. But I thought of it as a Gay Tendency, something I've heard of on tv. It was something to convince myself that I wasn’t really gay. I am going through a phase, because even if I only fantasize about boys, when I am in front pretty girls, I still get attracted, even aroused; sometimes…

The succeeding events in high school and college will follow in a different post…

By the way, I thought that it might interest the readers to know... L seems to be a Lesbian, acts like one, talks like one, last time I saw her about 8 years ago, she had a crush on a male celebrity, I don't know if she still gets attracted to men now. K is already married with a kid, but he had a gay lover once. And me, I am still single, very much available, but is still hiding in the closet.

Thanks for reading.

Labels: accepting gayhood, personal experience