I have been spying on a security guard in the fast food area of one of the supermarkets here in Cagayan de Oro for more than a year now. He isn't very good looking, but I find him very attractive. At first I just admired how his uniform brings out his butt, I can't help but look whenever he passes by. Then slowly, I started admiring his smile... His face, innocent-looking, he looks kind and gentle...
I always look at him, no! let me rephrase that, I always stare at him every chance I get; but since I am not out, whenever he is about to look my way, I turn away. I believe he never caught me... But last week, I don't know what came into my mind, I was in the fastfood waiting for a friend, when there he was, sitting right across me, reading something... I stared and decided that I would not turn away even if he lsaw me... And so I did, he looked up, and saw me staring, to my surprise he stared back, my heart began beating faster, I was nervous. Our eyes were locked as if communicating something for almost a minute, then my friend arrived. And I had to behave.
I went back the following day, but he wasn't there. I returned the day after, and he was there, but whenever he passed by me, he would always turn away. Or maybe I am just being silly...
Earlier today, I went to the supermarket. I looked at his usual spot, he wasn't there, but when I turned around, there he was. Walking in my direction, looking at me... Our eyes locked again for a few seconds, then he went back to his area... He passed by my table twice, once he talked to a friend and leaned on his friend's table exposing his butt, giving me a much clearer view of something that makes my heart go gaga...
When he, returned to his area again, I was in thought. Is he aware of what is happening, of what he is doing. Or is it just me? Is it just a wishful thinking? But there is nothing I can or will do anyway. But still, I transferred to a table near him. But there are so many people, I can't stare very long, it would be too obvious, i'd look at him every once in a while and sometimes, I think I see him looking at me too.
I received a text message, and I had to go. When I looked up, he wasn't there anymore, I stood to leave, a few steps before reaching a corner, he passed by, looked at me and smiled... and that's all there is for today... I left with this feeling inside me, like i'm a child with a crush on someone. With some butterflies in my stomach...
Labels: crush, security guard
One of the very few gay materials I have at home is my Provoq Voyeur VCD, and here I share a part of my favorite episode, College Dude featuring CHester Nolledo.
Labels: chester nolledo, provoq
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Labels: blog
Some gay people might say that this is silly, crazy even. Maybe some people might even think that I am just confused or still am confused, because staying in the closet is already robbing me of the opportunities to be happy and maybe even find some guy or gay guy who would love me for life. But at the moment, this is my stand, I don't think I am confused, I know who I am and I am just keeping my options open for now. I am not ready to come out of the closet, because it might close the door to the possibility of having relationship with women, and for some other reasons that I might divulge in some future post.
Labels: accepting gayhood, personal experience
Well, let me check my family tree…
Father side:
I don’t think my dad is gay, he is a bit like me (medyo mahinhin, maasikaso) but, I don’t think he is. He had an uncle who was gay though. Then none of my uncles is gay. And of my 16 cousins, 8 of whom belongs to the male species, only one’s sexuality is in question, that makes two in our generation. But then there is L, my female cousin who became a lesbo. So, make that 3.
Mother side:
My mom sometimes jokes that maybe she is a tomboy, because she has crushes on actresses and not on actors. But I don’t think so. She has 3 old maid aunts, 2 on her father side, and one on her mother side. My grandfather’s sisters didn’t seem to be lesbo’s, I guess their standards were just too high. My grandmother’s sister on the other hand, seems to be questionable. My mom’s brother was single for so long, that they sometimes think that he might be gay, but he go married last year. Then, none of my grown up cousins seem to be questionable, I don’t know about the younger ones, I’ve never met them.
My family tree indicates that there might be a genetic factor, on my father side, it somehow skipped a generation. On my mother side, people might have stayed single due to high standards, no one is really obvious, but we can never tell. Even I, have high standards, that have to be met before I marry a woman. You didn’t read wrong, and I hadn’t made a typo, one reason I am still in the closet is the fact that I am still considering getting married, if I can find someone good enough to marry. But with this ‘gay gene’, maybe I could contribute to the propagation of the gay population, at least if my children turns out to be gay, they’ll have an understanding father, who might even be able to help them find their true sexuality.
Labels: accepting gayhood, personal experience
I guess every gay guy feels it already during the early childhood. I did, but with the constant warnings from he people around most gays tend to deny it and try to be straight. About 4 or 5, I knew I was already DIFFERENT, I hated contact sports, that’s why I never learned to play basketball. I’d rather play with my female cousins than the male ones. I was also a mama’s boy, I liked watching her cook, sew, and do things around the house. I also tried to learn these things, I could do light cooking at an early age, I’d look in my mom’s ‘retaso’ and find some cloth that could be made into dresses for my cousin’s Barbie.
But even with these all, I denied what was inside me and told myself I was straight, this is because of the negative things I hear about being gay, yayas saying it’s bad to be gay, uncles threatening to beat me up if they find out that I am gay, etc. etc. etc., and I also saw that gays were usually laughed at and were rarely taken seriously.
That is why I decided to fight it, it wasn’t that hard, I wasn’t really obvious, I was a bit ‘mahinhin’, though. But during that time, I was attracted to girls, I didn’t even looked at boys. Then when I was about 6 years old, I got to watch straight porn; I believe I wasn’t able to sleep, I went down and my parents were watching something I couldn’t understand, but every now and then they would make me cover my eyes. Curious of what I wasn’t supposed to see, I peeked. But even before I did, the moaning has already aroused me. Then I saw something I still couldn’t understand. But somehow, I ended up reenacting what I saw with a female cousin who was younger than me, let’s call her L.
L and I would do it whenever we had a chance, then some time later, another cousin became a part of our little secret. Let’s call this cousin K, a few months older than me, that’s why I sometimes call him Kuya, yes, K is a boy. I guess L did it with him when I wasn’t around since they both attended morning classes and I was enrolled in the afternoon.
The three of us would hang around, and it would not take us long to do things young kids shouldn’t be doing. It was better that there were three of us, that way one could be the lookout. It went on for months, then vacation came, L went to the province with an aunt.
Then one time, while I was hanging out with K, we were alone in their house, we started talking about it, telling each other how we missed L. Both confessing that what we loved most was getting a bj from her. Then he said he’d really love to have his dick sucked, that he’d do anything just to feel someone’s mouth around it. I said, “me too.” He suggested we do it ourselves. And we did. Believe it or not, I didn’t mind what I had in my mouth, I was enjoying the wet feeling in my genital, I was enjoying being sucked. It happened a few times, then L came back, but before the vacation was over, my family transferred to Mindanao.When I got to Mindanao, I was still attracted to girls and I was as mahinhin as ever. But the kids here were different, specially the boys; they would run the few meters that separated their their houses from the sea, and bathe naked. I wondered why their dicks looked different, they were already circumcised at 7, even younger. Then I found myself wondering if a circumcised dick would feel differently in the mouth. I guess this is where, or should I say when, my attraction to boys started.
I started having a crush on some of them. But the bathing naked stopped when pubic hair started to grow, which for some was around grade 4 and 5. But every now and then the boys would find a reason to compare their dicks, I usually leave though, not wanting to show mine because I was still uncircumcised, and yet I am still able to glance at some of them, giving me something to fantasize about when I got home. I graduated elementary without incident, I was an honor student and was expected to behave properly. And so, I did.
By this time, I knew I was gay. But I thought of it as a Gay Tendency, something I've heard of on tv. It was something to convince myself that I wasn’t really gay. I am going through a phase, because even if I only fantasize about boys, when I am in front pretty girls, I still get attracted, even aroused; sometimes…
The succeeding events in high school and college will follow in a different post…
By the way, I thought that it might interest the readers to know... L seems to be a Lesbian, acts like one, talks like one, last time I saw her about 8 years ago, she had a crush on a male celebrity, I don't know if she still gets attracted to men now. K is already married with a kid, but he had a gay lover once. And me, I am still single, very much available, but is still hiding in the closet.
Thanks for reading.
Labels: accepting gayhood, personal experience